We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
