I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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