fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
