He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
