You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
