I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
