susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
