so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
