I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
