Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
