mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My dick has a subreddit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
