Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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