I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i already hear my dad disowning me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
