Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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