i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I am naked and annoyed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
