Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
