I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
