If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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