whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
