The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
