I don't usually arrange sex via text message
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
