i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
