I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
