I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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