Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize