Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
