oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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