I cannot find my penis.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
