I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My liver just had a heart attack.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
