Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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