We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
