I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
