how can u be prego again
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
