this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
