I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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