I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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