whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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