im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
