i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You made out with two different species that night
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
