Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
