true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize