I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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