You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
