Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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