so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
