Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
