I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
