have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
