I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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