you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I smell like Dick and happiness
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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