omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
