Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
