Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
