a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
