so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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