alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
