Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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