he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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